Dear Ben,
I am interested in buying your car. You know, the blue one with the crumpled rear right fender. The one named after that movie, the good one, not the sucky sequels.
-Interested In Yer Car


Dear Interested,
How did you know my car is for sale? That's creepy.
But for your information, it's been sold. No questions asked, body-in-the-trunk and all. So, sorry. It's gone. But I appreciate me asking.
OK, that was a failed experiement. I'll admit, I sent me that letter, and it didn't work. Oh wel.
-Ben

Note: This one took a lot of editing. Please, you guys, try to get it together a little. Also, it's only necessary to send a question once. I'll answer them all, given time. This one seems pretty urgent, though, as I've been asked it time and time again by several of my dear readers.

Dear Ben,
Do you ever have trouble getting it up? I did, but since I tried Viagra, I've had no trouble at all. Do you want some Viagra?
grievance curvepetroleum empire shiftpermission abelson colombocupboard bunk canadianheathkit autumnal faithfulabater?
-Trouble With Mr. Johnson

Dear Johnson,
OK, first, you should probably get that Tourette's looked into. I'm glad your, ahem, equipment works (by which I mean I'm happy for you that you can become erect and feel the need to share, but would question that need), but you should think twice about reproducing until you see if your other condition is hereditary.
Second, no, I'm not a big fan of pill sharing. It's illegal for you to share prescription drugs, even over the internet. More so, in fact, because as soon as you use a medium that crosses state lines, you've involved the FBI and they're not amused with lawbreaking, believe you me. They aren't even amused with small, everyday lawbreaking. For instance, did you know that it is a federal crime to use any form of medical device in a manner not in keeping with its labeling? This makes it a crime to insert cotton swabs into your ears, as you are specifically forbidden from doing so, according to the package. Also, it's a federal crime to fill condoms with whipped cream and pop them. If you've ever read the packaging that comes with condoms, you know: there's nothing about whipped cream or water balloons on there.
So, there's my answer for you: don't offer illegal things on the internet. And if you're offering me Viagra, or a similar medicine, you're barking up the wrong tree. I don't have a prescription.
-Ben

Dear Ben,
I have lived with my parents for the last twelve years, and am looking for a good apartment to move into. Do you have any advice that would help me?
-Looking in Las Vegas

Well, Looking, I don't know that I have a lot of advice on this, but here's what I know: there are about four things you want to look very closely at when you're considering a new apartment.
1. Look at the cars in the apartment and the neighborhood around. Nice people tend to take care of their cars. You probably don't want to live in a place with a thousand burned-out husks of cars on lawns. It's the truth.
2. Look very closely at the apartment. Don't be afraid to push on the walls or ask how far the studs are apart (the walls shouldn't give, and the studs should be no more than 18 inches apart and very regular) or to bring a stud-finder (a device you put on the wall to find the vertical bars that hold up the ceiling). Ask how old the building is. Ask how many people, more or less, have lived in your apartment. Ask if there has been any water damage. Look behind the 'fridge. Who do you pay your money to? Is the apartment independent or part of a chain? Has there ever been a black mold problem there? Ask too many questions.
3. By asking these questions, get to know your apartment manager. Ask who you would report problems to, if there were problems. Ask who's in charge. Get to know the people who will be in charge of making your life pleasant or not for the next six, eight or twelve months minimum.
4. Don't live in Austin. It's awful. Terrible. One of the six worst places to live, honest. Austin's full up and don't come knocking. Move to Oregon. I hear they like auslanders out there. OK, Austin isn't actually a bad place to live, but you should seriously consider not living here. There are too many people here now. We don't need more.
So there you go. That's my condensed, shallow knowledge of what to do when you're looking for an apartment.
How 'bout that? Real questions!